As my rap sheet grew, so did my anxiety: I never knew what my next infraction might be, only that I would commit it, assuredly drawing the exasperated opprobrium I fear above all.

In other words, we Type 9s are total fucking pushovers.

My tendency to assume the worst when it comes to my own health has, time and again, been my undoing.

This is the last installment of a three-part story about a 27-year-old adult’s first few days working at a real, grown-up place of employment.

This is part two of a three-part story about a 27-year-old adult’s first few days working at a real, grown-up place of employment.

This is part one of a three-part story about a 27-year-old adult’s first few days working at a real, grown-up place of employment.

Undergraduate Julia was a sinner of the highest order, and, repentantly, I hereby confess her sins.

I am both a living constitutionalist and a complete narcissist; as such, I believe that the United States Constitution holds a dynamic meaning that evolves and adapts to my own personal needs.

What this country needs more than anything else is a new slate of conspiracy theories that are nonpartisan, innocuous, and, above all, juicy. Fortunately, I have already done the legwork.

When I came home from school and saw you sitting in the driveway, it was love at first sight. A shiny, new Jetta with Bluetooth (a highly advanced technology!) and a sunroof, you were everything a 17-year-old basic b*tch could dream of. Tragically, it was all downhill from there.

I humbly ask that you stand with me in my quest to #SparethePears, and together, we can work to end this great and terrible evil.

Of all the joys of life I cherish most, purchasing useless items tops the list.

We live in a world plagued by thoughtless indifference, in which decent people suffer minor indignities at the hands of those who couldn’t care less (and, worse yet, those who “could care less”) about the wellbeing of their fellow mortals. As Avenger General, I would use the supernatural power of my office to ensure that no trivial impropriety goes unpunished, that minor offenders of polite sensibilities receive their just deserts.

I figured that if I came up with a compelling proposal for next year’s event, perhaps I could land a coveted user experience gig at Squid Game HQ, so I scoured the dustiest corners of my memory for games from my own childhood that might translate well to the unique format.

Contrary to the “About” page on this blog, I am not, in fact, a human; I am quite clearly a moderately sophisticated robot.

Welcome to my blog, brought to you by popular demand—consisting of two individuals who informed me that if I were to create such a blog, they would consent to read it.